Search

To Be Human

Human habits that bind and free us

I do believe in love

I need you to understand that my belief in love does not come from blind optimism or things always going my way or happy endings in my life or even that of others around me. My belief in love does not come from a fluff of a romantic novel I read before in understood intimacy and intercourse. My belief in love does not come from anything outside of my ability to experience, give or receive love, it comes from me and my stubborn belief that love can survive many things. True love, the unconditional one that we all crave, sceptically seek and naively “find” in the wrong places can survive many things, humans on the other hand have a threshold that if often tested in the name of love. What are you willing to test?

Let me not digress; I believe in love because that thing is lit. Honestly, truly love is my favourite human and other worldly experience. What makes my belief in it be what it is, I’ve realized, is that I have had to learn in several ways throughout life that all forms of love are satisfying, necessary and irreplaceable by another. The love of a father cannot be replaced by the love of a mother, despite many who have had to. The love of a child cannot be replaced by the love of a romantic companion, despite the bad decisions that some make at the expense of a child to appease a romantic companion. The love of a romantic companion cannot be replaced by the companionship of a friend, despite many who have tried.

Every form of love I believe is unique and necessary to fulfil distinct parts of our desire to be loved and accepted and knowing that each form of love is so unique from the other guides my eagerness for it all. Here’s a silly analogy; food. When I think of food a menu, near endless comes to mind of things I can eat to give me sustenance and let me survive. Some foods just taste good while others taste good and are good for you, cooked by different chefs and in different places and different times of the day to fulfil one basic need. Love in its many different forms that you will come to appreciate at different points in your life, works the same in my opinion.

What am I supposed to do, not believe in love because I got my heart broken by a partner or betrayed by a friend? That’s not how my love works, it’s resilient at times nearly to my destruction but that’s where reasoning comes to play. I will not break myself trying to love that which cannot be loved. I will however continue to pursue love, from friends, family and honest lovers who know better than to fuck me over. I said I believe in love, I didn’t say I was a gullible sweet soft jelly puff about it.

I’ve had enough experiences with humans to teach me that love can be tainted and abused, but those things are human behaviours, rise above, love better, do better, be better.

@nollyodbanks

I found love

I found love thrown against a wall, shattered into scared pieces of memories and broken promises. Love stood there, begging to be seen, fulfilled and returned. Love asked for another chance to show you she is enough, in her unconditional condition, unbound by human ability and vision. Love stood still, bated breath waiting for permission to exhale and exist with you.

Access denied

Love, patient big hearted dreamer that she is waited and longed and pined and waited and waned until love was found, within herself. You left just long enough to be forgiven but your lesson not forgotten the scares and bruises still healing and faint memories of naivety and false trust. Don’t come back, love is fine, she appreciates herself better now, she loves honestly, gives in abundance despite all that you tried to take without return or forethought, selfish sadist. You treated her with all the attention she craved and none of the loyalty she deserved, it was not okay and it was hard to forgive but love rises.

Forgiveness granted

To herself, she is kind and she is giving. She is patient and eager with her ability to provide love to that person who she looks at and knows “I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love you”, reflected on her mirror.

I am loved

I am love

I am healed

I release you from the pain you have caused and I do not wish you well. I wish nothing upon you, whatever comes to you now shall be and having no bearing on me.

Sincerely

Love

 

@nollyodbanks

Pray you love me

I saw a tweet recently saying how intimate it is for two people in love to go to church together. A sweet and perhaps intimate gesture indeed, one’s relationship with God is important and having an intimate partner commune with you when participating in that relationship is good. Here is where the problem arose in the comment’s section; people started reminding us all how the church does not approve of people dating but rejoice at couples getting married. I mean courtship is a necessary step towards getting married, and I’m too young to say that’s how it’s always been but sense tells me you have to get to know the person you want to marry. This is not about what I believe does and doesn’t make sense.

This is about how in our attempts to get closer to each other as lovers, while maintaining our relationships with God, we are discouraged by our beloved congregation. The implication is that, in order to find a partner, leave God out of it and once you decide that said partner is worth marrying you can then proceed to involve God and his church going children. I’m not sure why people make it seem that way, but that’s how it goes and it’s very frustrating once you reach the age that people think is old enough to be married they place pressure on you to get married. Marry who? Based on what?

I like forms of intimacy that do not require sexual context or contact, for some their relationship with God is very intimate and to invite someone to share that is surely a good sign. To them at least, to the congregation perhaps not but to each his own and please do what makes you happy.

 

Random Ramblings 2

I’ve always been rather terrible at pretenses. Growing up in high school for the latter part of my years as a learner, I discovered the concept of faking through friendships and interactions. I was unimpressed. I didn’t like the idea that in order to survive someone I had to pretend that their existence was not the bane of mine while smiling in their face. To this day I don’t deal well with having to pretend that way and in addition I now don’t deal well with people who are kind enough to make it known to me that they do not want me around or find my presence in some way abhorrent. Surely if you don’t want me there, I shouldn’t be put through the awkward torturous labour of being around you and making myself likable.

I keep away from people who make me uncomfortable, and I respect people who know to do the same with me because what will we have to talk about and what can we possibly contribute to each other that’s constructive and in any way uplifting. I prefer to add value and meaning to people’s lives where I’m invited, to taint that value with negative aura is to taint my own chakras.

Glow up

It won’t take us all the same amount of time and it won’t look the same on us all, but we eventually and inevitably reach a glow up. Things start to finally come together, hard work pays off, healthier life choices add up to good skin, better style choices and safer more comfortable financial standing. It looks slightly different on everyone but the basis is the same; improvement.

Platonic Ranch

Platonic relationships between men and women are my favourite thing to watch people disagree about. There are always some of the wildest reasons why people should or shouldn’t maintain those relationships when a romantic relationship is introduced. The platonic relationship seems like the “easier” thing to let go of and typically the relationship that was there first. Do we let go of our friends for an alternative type of love because we count on their love to be more forgiving and permissive of us to come back when we inevitably fall on our face?

I have no recollection of a man friend I was so “close to” that a significant other came along after that friendship was formed and told me that I am not allowed to continue that friendship. Honestly the audacity of such a significant other would warrant applause and a prompt dismissal from me. To me it doesn’t add up to sense that you would make me show lack of loyalty to a friend and expect me to give loyalty to you. You are both men, who offer me necessary forms of companionship that cannot be provided by the other and yet here you and your entitlement and projection comes making me choose, and very clearly expecting me to choose you? This misplaced confidence, where did you steal it from?

Here is my concern with the notion that it’s okay for a significant other, particularly men, to tell their women partners that they should abandon their friendships with (certain) men; it says that you don’t understand loyalty, it says that you don’t understand that friendships are a necessary community in (my) one’s life and shockingly affirms that men do not believe that other men can be just friends with women, especially women they feel in some way entitled to. If I have been friends with someone and I have loyalties there, what kind of person are you saying you are willing to date if at the whim of your insecurity I can abandon whole relationships?

Yes, romance is nice and has an equally but important role in one’s sense of belonging and being loved. To make me have that over another form of love, me in particular, you’re filling you own “Dump me” application and it will be successfully processed. I’m currently learning how to foster intimacy in my friendships, gestures and activities that say “You matter, I care and I love you”. Therefore for someone to come along and threaten that deliberate emotional expense and investment is to ask to be excluded because if you are brave enough to ask me to dump friendships, then you can surely survive without me yourself. I need intimacy and love in all forms and that which I get from friendship matter and guide the extent I can give to romantics. Refurbish your reality darling.

For men and in fact women the reason behind asking a partner to leave friends is often attributed to insecurity and projecting what one thinks “really” happens between sexes that attract when they say they are friends. Granted some “friends” might really be more that what they let on, but who are you to disrupt someone’s life with tasking them to leave relationships that were formed independent of you? You’re placing yourself in the middle of a friendship that was doing just fine before you arrived. Rest assured it will likely do just as if not better when you pack your insecurities and leave.

Mind your relationship lane and people will mind theirs. It’s not that hard and honestly, if you are satisfied in yours, others being happy in theirs shouldn’t upset your sensibilities, especially if those others are people whose happiness matters to you and their happiness has more than one source.

@nollyodbanks

 

Amazing Amy

I like to watch Gone Girl on a two to three month basis just to remind myself the lengths with which a broken woman will go to restore herself and persecute the object of her destruction. Amy not only orchestrates and successfully executes a plan to bring her equally miserable husband of five years to his downfall but does so in a way that only he could know what has motivated her to do so. She was a miserable as he was, a shadow version of herself in the life she thought she wanted that chapter by chapter turned exactly into what she didn’t; a boring mundane ordinary unsatisfying married life.

Compromise by compromise Amy begrudgedly but with a smile gave up little pieces of herself, made little compromises that built a resentment so severe she felt the only justice was to call it murder for which her husband had to pay. In the movie and as I watch it, I have very little sympathy for Amy’s plight in fact I fear her determination to master this plan and actually go through with it. She believes so strongly that her husband has in a way killed her and how many little deaths do women often suffer to make a relationship work I wonder.

Something in Amy stopped, simply stopped and in order for it to start again the metaphorical death that she faced in marriage needed to be matched by a real death for which a suicide would simply not suffice. She needed to die and someone had to pay for it, leaving the marriage she was convinced was killing her inside was not going to be enough. Amazing Amy needed someone to pay for her not be so Amazing because Amazing Amy had to be amazing. Its occurring to me as I write this that perhaps because someone wrote the story of her being amazing, someone ensured and took responsibility for her life story, she needed someone to take responsibility for it not being so. Her poor average type B personality husband, a cheat.

I do not in any relate to Amy, she is everything that’s in my opposite; she’s white, privilege, married, in a book written by snobby parents and she can take the gamble of moving to another city and blame her husband when that decision doesn’t make her happy.

Her plan is well thought out and so impressive in its execution that even the lawyer assigned to bring her down laughs at how incredible her plan is and how impressive her determination and will power is for going through with it. Amy inevitably gets what she wants, and what she wants does not seem like a happy ending even for her, but that Amy for you. Amazing Amy.

Don’t fall into the trap that Amy did where you enter happy and passively wish and hope that things will get better without your effort if they need fixing. I’ve heard that relationships go through cycles and perhaps that’s true for Amy, but let it not be justice to kill yourself trying to fix a relationship. Work on, pray about, leave, the healthy options are endless

@nollyodbanks

Covalent Bonds and Molecular Stability

I like the idea of how as women we grow out of the queen b reign among friends and into a medium to large group made by smaller tight bonds. Where in a group of young girls the group is lead and dictated by the hormonal whims of one teenager, as we grow older groups rely more on the smaller two to three people bonds being tight in order for harmony to reign for all. I am a big believer in support systems, to get through daily living and for more pressing and diagnosed matters of mental wellbeing. Support systems made of interdependent bonds are my favourite kind as they provide a safety net that is both reliable and effective.

The tighter the bonds between the few the better for the many in my opinion, as friends, genuine friends this is not as cliquey as it might sound were it a high school set up. When you are confident in the tight bonds you have I think you appreciate and even hope that others have the same. Being part of a large group of friends is great for social cohesion if that’s what it takes for you to find constructive growth, however we can’t all confide in everyone. The covalent bond between two or three friends becomes very important for the molecule of the whole tribe to remain stable.

Granted when everyone is invested in everyone, when the covalent bonds are threatened the molecule might come under disarray but I think that’s why it’s also so important to identify and respect those bonds enough to be able to help in a constructive way to get them back on track. People require help in different ways some need active mediation while others might respond better to being left alone to their own devices to see to themselves while being reassured that a shoulder and hand is there when and/or they are ready to lean on it on it or reach out.

In my own family of friends, I have come to find that this works. I love being around everyone but it is clear and a good thing that general cohesion is a by-product of many smaller bonds being put in a pot to make one cliché but genuine big happy family. I know who to confide my deepest darkest to without fear of judgement or persecution and I know that not being able to do so with others is not a bad thing or a poor reflection on our friendships. It’s very important then to cultivate bonds with friends in the group so that they don’t feel “left out” when certain things can’t be shared with them. Sometimes it’s not a trust issue it’s merely that a safety net – a secure and reliable one which likely took emotional labour to cultivate – has been formed.

You really learn to humble yourself to the fact that people not engaging you about something is not about you or a reflection of what they think of you. Small bonds bring to a big group what sponsors bring to an AA meeting. That person you can call at 6am before getting ready to work and you feel yourself weak, that person you can call at the end of your workday to celebrate wins as small as making it through the day without a self-.depreciating thought. Having that person strengthens the positive effects of the group; safety, reliability and belief in the constructive sincerity of the friendship circle.

Cherish your friends, nurture your covalent bonds and strive for molecular stability.

@nollyodbanks

Love. A verb and noun

Love as a verb and a noun fascinates me. I live in the year 2017, I am exposed and participate in popular culture activities and practices, one of which is the attempt to not only have, experience and feel love which are human needs but express and show this love. We live in a time of instant gratification and having our existences be validated and applauded by strangers, so when we share love it’s not just to the person we feel that love for, but we display and show it to the rest of the world, for a multitude of deep, shallow and valid reasons.

I enjoy love, that which comes from a healthy family, constructive friends and affectionate lovers and companions who don’t fit the family or friend description. I enjoy and value love that can be shared and felt and not required that is be stagnant or show itself in forms that are limited to one eye and beholder. I prefer a love that I can participate in everyday with big and small gestures that will not be used to say I don’t feel love anymore when I need to recollect myself alone in order to regain the strength I need to give more and give better.

I appreciate love, it humbles me every time I look at my friends gathered in a room and remember that I chose these people and loved them all on purpose, with intent. My love is deliberate and as such I have to learn that not everyone participates in love that way. This lesson is difficult to learn when you choose to love someone or people who believe that love happens to them, like falling in love. Falling by its nature is unintentional, it’s accidental and results in mild injury in the best of cases. Love does no harm, humans on the other hand…

I’m here for a love that is deliberate whose course and plan is so clear that you are compelled by it whether you understand the plan or not, you just absolutely have to fulfil a compulsion a need, to send, perhaps receive and bask in love. What’s clear about love to me is that it is honest, kind and easily diluted by humans to serve lesser and at times sinister intentions. People are creative that way, but love is honest and will never disguise itself.

Love deeply and be weary of the humans

@nollyodbanks

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑